I am sharing two excerpts from my current book that are not displayed on the buy links. The first one, Then and Now, is an example of how a young gay man strives to win the heart of another young man. In The Slumber Party, the main character is recuperating from a broken relationship while searching for someone new to love, going through the processes of rediscovering himself through other young men wanting to experience love with another man.
I Hope you enjoy these stories when the torments of that first kiss, first touch and ability to express one's affection through bodily contact, helping another man gain the courage to love another man. These stories explore man to man love affairs at the core of romantic love. I hope you enjoy what I share as much as I enjoyed writing these stories.
Affairs of Men's Hearts
Four stories linked by the common thread of men striving to love other men. From the playful, anxious times of young men’s infatuations with high school buddies in Growing Up in My Hometown and Then and Now, to experimenting with other men who share the same fantasies of having sex with another man fueled by that strong testosterone driven urge to explore each other’s bodies intimately, as in The Slumber Party. Seeking a commitment is the common goal with each character in each story. In Pagan Knights of Cambria Nights, the main character strives to find that inner peace forging him ahead to build on the relationship he has with his long-term companion. The question always arises, “Will he always love me?” That question should be universal to all.
Links for Affairs of Men’s Hearts
Excerpt from Then and Now
Then and Now
After failing at finding love with other men for many years, I found a comfortable, more content life; attaining a sustained love with Timothy. I reflected on the many times I fell in love as a young man. The memories were more like sentimental journeys. But I also remembered the excessive pain. I wondered what it would’ve been like if I had found lasting love earlier in life with my devoted Timothy.
Like a fallen leaf from a stately tree, Timothy dropped into my burrowed bed, enabling me to mend my disabled ways in love and rekindling the passionate fire of sexuality. We built our love on trust, honesty, and a bond of camaraderie where we rejoiced in fun. We acted out our sexual fantasies we’d both kept suppressed for too many years.
Timothy was a late bloomer- disguising his sexual orientation in a heterosexual relationship and raising a family. As for me, I looked for love in the most forced situations in places most people would never go. I was bent on abusive anonymity in bars like the Capri, Stud, and Toad Hall, bathrooms and glory holes like those at Harmon Gym in Berkeley, the beaches at San Gregorio and Devil’s Slide, and the bushes in parks, like Alta Plaza and Buena Vista. I sought romantic love in the wrong places, receiving instant gratification, and then becoming lost in disappointing loneliness. If only I‘d found love with a man like Timothy in my youth. Why did I, as do so many young men, look for love with each other, so cruelly blind?
Looking back, my sexual urges soared in high school to heights I could barely comprehend.
At seventeen I lived life like I expected; attempting to date the prettiest, most intelligent girls in school. But my real intentions were bent on impressing the guys I desired. Dating these girls made me cool and suave. Then I could be the best buddy of the guys I worshipped. I made a few of them more than best of friends. Feeling challenged by my peers, I dated younger girls to seek the friendship with the boys surrounding them. I dated Shelley, who became bait for building a friendship with a boy she knew. He stimulated my libido. Sadly, I could only enjoy him in my fantasies, alone.
I was, mistakenly enrolled in eighth period in gym, the session reserved for boys on sports teams. When showering, I tried to conceal my new, youthful growth of my chest hair. Most of the guys were smooth-chested, including the older seniors. In gym one day, I befriended Barry. He resembled a young Robert Redford. I smelled his scent afar, not recognizing those arousing male hormones until I became an older, more experienced gay man. He was two years younger, and the star quarterback on the junior varsity football team. I secretly spied on him when we showered, dressed and undressed, inhaling and languishing in his masculine perfume.
One day he confided his romantic interest in another girl, Sue. She was friends with Shelley my current girlfriend. Barry and I met for lunch every chance we had, sharing our romantic pursuits.
Not athletically inclined, I wondered why he wanted to share these intimate stories with me. I assumed he’d rather associate with jocks, than me, as a student enrolled in an advanced academic program. Most friends and acquaintances were quick to categorize me. “You’re so smart; you’re a brain.” That usually implied social ostracism. But Barry admired my intellect, not ridiculing my sole achievement. He made my fantasies leap to voracious heights when we sat together.
Kids in high school attended varsity football games but rarely watched junior varsity. My unwavering intrigue with Barry convinced me to observe the junior varsity practices and games. He was pleased by my attendance.
After football season came to an end and living in close proximity, we walked home together. While walking one day, Barry requested my help to write a poem for Sue, one with romantic flair.
I shared books of literature from the Romantic period, like the works of Emerson, Thoreau, Wordsworth, Shelley, and Poe. Their poetry flowed through my veins, motivating me to create a closer, dangerous relationship with Barry. Late each afternoon, after walking home, we spent time in his bedroom writing poetry while my frustrated desires swelled inside. At times I wished I was able to express, I love you. I want you more of you. Can’t you feel it too?
Many of those afternoons, while composing poetry, he looked at me with those clear, sparkling blue eyes, asking me to respond to his inspiration. When I hoped he’d utter a phrase of affection or attraction, he asked, “Do you think this is too flowery?”
Befuddled I replied, “No but look closer at one of the poems we read. I think it was Byron’s.” While he reread the poem, I studied the masculine bone structure of his face until I felt my dick rising beneath the denim of my Levis.
After spending afternoons with Barry, l lay in bed at night imagining his presence. My penis was hard and aroused. Closing my eyes, I imagined his sun bleached, blond tipped brown hair, and his powder blue eyes lighting up the sky like Fourth of July sparklers. I envisioned his well-toned body, his chiseled chest covered with sprouts of darker brown hair, firm buns forming half-moons spotted sparsely with short brown hair, and then his cock. I couldn’t control my visualizations and fantasies any longer. I masturbated, hoping the reality of us making love would be realized and soon.
If you want to find out what happens between Billie and Barry, I encourage you to buy Affairs of Men's Hearts and read what happens between them.
Excerpt from The Slumber Party
“Shit! This damn clay and sandstone soil is just too dry to dig this hole. I might as well use a jackhammer.” Futility set in as Benjie Fallon, a twenty-three year-old man, attempted to dig a planting hole for a crape myrtle in his parent’s front yard. Under the sun’s warmth, he enjoyed the physical labor and dripping sweat lacquering his face and bare chest, hoping to bring more definition to his arms and shoulders. But the hole that he dug was like preparing the grave for a life he scorned. He pulled the hose to fill the partially dug hole with water, hoping to loosen the hard packed soil. He swore he would never return to his family and suffer from their narrow-minded demands to conform to a heterosexual life. He thought he had escaped from their cold, unaffectionate touch, verbal abuse and perpetual fights to a new life in the city with David. Their method of communication was simple, the same sex love was natural, and their passion unending, but David fell for that older more beautiful man with more experience and connections to those on the fast track to wealth.
When David moved in with his Adonis, Benjie plummeted into a catatonic depressed state of schizophrenia, losing his job as a mail clerk for Prudential Life in the city. His parents accepted him coming home, conditionally, to re-establish his independence. He would never bring a gay man into their house. His mother dictated the rules, and his father enforced them. His only accomplishment since that day he returned was his refusal to be treated with aversion therapy.
Gardening was his sole retreat from the anxiety he suffered from living on the quiet street.
It had been six months since he and David went their separate ways. Benjie satisfied his gay primal desires with men he met in the local gay bars. He only accepted arrangements with those extending invitations to their homes.
Summer began in a week. Benjie felt his hormones rage in his blood, seeking a life with more self-sufficiency to live and love as he wished. The question remained: how?
He couldn’t return to his old ways like in high school before he came out, secretly spying on the bodies of male peers in gym showers as they lathered, rinsed and dried their prime physiques. His lustful eyes took it all in, later becoming his masturbating fantasies; how they touched each other, feeling their dicks become hard from the tactile grasps bringing them to orgasm simultaneously. He couldn’t suppress those feelings any longer as his parents demanded. Sure, he wouldn’t bring a gay man home with him, but he would explore alternatives. He’d hide his actions, not revealing them like he did before, when they asked him where he went until the early morning hours on weekends his senior year. He told them he hung around outside a bar downtown late at night, meeting older men more experienced in an unfamiliar lifestyle. A lifestyle where men made love physically to each other. His parent’s reaction should have come as no surprise to Benjie. They sent him to a psychologist who listened but suggested Benjie join the army in order to feel better adjusted around men his own age, especially while showering with them. Benjie refused to go to the shrink another time.
When his mother came home one night after she was at a meeting with women she worked with, Benjie had had enough of her prejudices. The ladies stopped at a bar to have cocktails. It was a gay bar. His mother ridiculed the men, calling them queers. Benjie spoke out, telling her some of those men were friends of his. She responded with hateful words, as if the men were less than human and should be laughed at for being inferior.
He ran away to San Francisco and met a hustler his own age. They lived compatibly together, making love all hours a day and exploring gay bars and dungeons of promiscuous sex. After two fulfilling weeks, Benjie returned home to his parents who never questioned his whereabouts. Benjie figured they’d rather not know. He enrolled in college, pleasing his parents, but it also opened up possibilities to meet other gay men at school through the Gay Students Union. The friends he met there were his only stable foundation in being gay and living with his parents.
Two years later, he walked to the nearby lake to lie on the beach and sunbathe. Pealing from his cutoff jeans to a blue Speedo, he noticed an intense stare from another young man close to the lake’s edge. Amidst the crowd of families and kids, Benjie and this man scoured each other’s bodies with appreciation, until the man stood up, pulling up his jeans over his bikini, indicating his departure and a suggestion for Benjie to follow. Benjie rapidly slipped on his shorts and traced the path of the guy toward the parking lot. Introducing themselves to each other, they shattered the silence of their glances that had locked them together all afternoon with sexual tension. They complimented each other’s physiques which led to their first date.
That was the first time he met David. They shared a burdensome bond, both living with their parents and needing a place to build a nest. Every night they met secretly at each other’s house after their parents went to bed. David would toss pebbles at Benjie’s bedroom window, the signal to let him in the back door. Or Benjie would tap lightly on David’s bedroom window, the clue to open the patio door. In their bedrooms they often built up a shimmering sweat from lubrication and exertion, requiring them to quietly shower together. It was uncomfortable at first for them to silence their sexual pleasure in muffled sighs rather than exude a loud moan or a gusty gasp. But then that fatal night came when David couldn’t control his scream of ecstasy. Benjie’s parents were awakened, resulting in their pounding on Benjie’s locked door. When he unlocked and opened the door they had questions Benjie knew his answers wouldn’t be tolerated, but he admitted to the bond of love between him and David. His parents were shocked at the sight of their son and his male friend dressed only in white Jockey shorts, their erections bulging in the pouches. Benjie’s mother demanded David get dressed, leave, and never come back. Loud exchanges and intense arguments exploded that night, ricocheting to other parts of the house and to the neighbors.
When the damage was done and the dust settled the next morning, a silence haunted the Fallon household. Benjie packed a week’s assortment of clothes, toiletries, and essentials into two suitcases and drove to San Francisco. Like his exploration into the gay lifestyle in his hometown, he lived through experience; testing each situation for its possibilities. After living in his car for a week, tracking employment opportunities and a room to rent, he was hired by Prudential Insurance as a mail clerk and found a studio apartment to live in.
David moved in a month later after enrolling in college for the upcoming quarter. He worked part-time as a waiter in a coffee shop. Although David was two years younger than Benjie, he acted more mature. His actions were driven by a rational process. He made sure he was accepted to college and had a job before moving in with Benjie. He had a former support system with friends in San Francisco who guided and led him to his job and to college. He had more experience with the bars and meeting places for gay men than Benjie had, making his choices more carefully.
They lived happily together for a year, mostly sharing their love with only each other. But after a year, David wanted to renew ties with former boyfriends; so Benjie agreed to terminate their agreement about monogamy and share their love with a few other men.
And then David’s Adonis severed the last thread of the bond that tied them together. Benjie suspected something more than a casual relationship between the two after a couple of weeks, when David announced his love for the other man who could offer him much more than what he had with Benjie.
How was Benjie going to proceed with his life without David and being back with his reprehensible parents? He had learned from David not to be impulsive anymore but to act with more control and make sure he’s not left hanging by himself, defenceless and alone. He had to invent a new plan for his life despite his parent’s intervention in his ultimate decisions. He had to proceed more cautiously, especially since that regrettable mishap that cost him his job and landed him back with his parents.
After David left, Benjie, slipped into a deep depression. He was found standing at an intersection, in the crosswalk, staring straight ahead without any expression. After remaining in that pose for several hours, the police took him to the city psychiatric ward, where he was held for seventy-two hours, and then released. But it was too late for him to keep his job. More than destitute without an income, he had to vacate his studio apartment, and head back home to the environment he loathed.
When he walked to turn off the water he noticed a deer grazing on a wild rose across the street. Benjie’s movement had caught the attention of the deer. They stared at each other until the deer slowly walked a short distance and began browsing again. The deer reminded Benjie his neighborhood remained a near wild environment; the only solace for moving back home.
“Benjie,” a neighbor from across the street called. “Can I ask you a favor?”
Benjie had been lost in his thoughts, staring at the deer. The deer bolted, running down the street and disappeared.
“What Sammy Lee?” He threw the hose down on the lawn.
Sammy Lee ran across the road, avoiding a car.
He shoved his hands into his jean pockets, an attempt to hide his willingness to agree to help. He expected involvement in something he was not inclined to do, even though he probably would help her if he could.
“We’re buddies, aren’t we?” Sammy Lee didn’t wait for Benjie’s response. “My parents don’t allow me to date certain guys. You know how over-protective they are. Remember Irene, my older sister, when she ran away with the Hell’s Angels? She’s a topless dancer now in North Beach in San Francisco. She has bigger tits. She stars in Casey McLean’s porno films. He’s her boyfriend. She gets it on with women, like a lesbian in some of the movies. She has twin girls and lives with him in a big house in Marin…”
“Sammy Lee, you’ve told me about Irene before.” Benjie interrupted. “I know your parents keep a tight rein on you. They don’t want you to turn out like her. What do you want?”
“Would you take me to our senior party? It’s a slumber party. My parents will let me go, but they say I have to go with someone responsible. It’ll be fun.”
What happens with Benjie when he goes to the slumber party? Read more when you buy Affairs of Men's Hearts.
I hope these excerpts encourage you to buy Affairs of Men's Hearts. These stories and the book can be found at the following links.
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